WHY AMERICANS DONT LIKE SOCCER

BY LARF

   AS THE FRENCH SIT, BEFUDDLED AND BEWILDERED, WONDERING WHAT COULDVE CAUSED zIDANES OUTBURST,  THE MEDIA CRUCIFIES hIM BEFORE THEY KNOW  THE STORY. MOST NEWSPAPERS WILL TRY TO HIDE THE DIRT BUT THE TRUTH IS OUT AND THIS WILL BE REMEMBERED AS POSSIBLY THE UGLIEST WORLD CUP OF ALL TIME.

  NATIONS WHO LOVE TO USE THE WORLD CUPS IMAGE OF PRESTIGE AND SPORTSMANSHIP AND THE U.S.'S LACK OF FERVER TOWARDS IT AS PROOF THAT AMERICANS ARE UNCULTURED, WILL BE FORCED TO REEXAMINE THEIR BELIEFS. IN A WORLD CUP SERIES WHERE DIRTY TACTICS AND SUSPECT REFEREEING CULMINATED TO TONIGHTS FINAL GAME THAT ENDED EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD HAVE.

  THE DIRTIEST TEAM WON AND HOW FITTING THAT IT WAS ITALY, WHERE THE HOLY GOLDEN IMAGE OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH MASKS ITS SEEDY PAST AND SCANDAL RIDDEN INNARDS THE PARALLELS ARE UNDENIABLE.

  THE REFEREE TWISTED THE RULES TO TO GET HIS THE OUTCOME HE DESIRED AS IF HE WAS PLAYING A VIDEOGAME. THEN BLATANTLY BREAKING THE GOLDEN SOCCER RULE, BY WATCHING THE JUMBOTRON AFTER MISSING a FOUL cALL, AS A FINAL CONFESSION OF UTTER CONFUSION AND  LACK OF CONTROL.

   LUCKILY FOR ITALY, THE REPLAY STARTED AFTER MAZZARATTI HUMPED ZIDANE FROM BEHIND, WHILE PINCHING HIS NIPPLE. BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL SOME FINAL ABOMINATION WAS SPOKEN BY THE FOUL MOUTHED GUTTER PUNK THAT ZIDANE FINALLY REACTED. WHAT WAS SAID IS STILL UNKNOWN.

REMINISCENT OF A PARK AND REC STREET GAME, IT'S NO WONDER THAT THE u.S. CAN'T BE BOTHERED...A GAME WITH A GUIDELINE PAMPHLET RATHER THAN A RULEBOOK, THE REFEREE BECOMES THE DECIDER AND WE ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE.

  WHAT IS THE LESSON HERE?  THAT IF YOU PLAY DIRTY, FALLING TO THE FLOOR WRITHING LIKE A BABY, AND CAN SEXUALLY ASSAULT YOUR OPPONENT WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT, YOU'LL BEAT A TEAM THATS DOMINATING YOU.

   THE FRENCH PLAYED WITH INTEGRITY. THEY DIDNT DIVE,  WHINE, OR PUT ON ANGUISHED DISPLAYS THAT LOOK UTTERLY ABSURD 5 SECONDS LATER, WHEN SHOWN ON THE JUMBOTRON.

  IN A GAME WHERE THEY CLEARLY HAD THE ADVANTAGE, EVEN WHEN THEY WENT DOWN A MAN, THE GAME IS STOPPED AND THEY START PLAYING LUCKY LOTTO, WHERE  ITS EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF AND HOPEFULLY YOU DONT END UP WITH A TREZEGUET.

  IF BASKETBALL PLAYERS ACTED THE SAME AS FOOTBALL PLAYERS, THEY WOULD BE LAUGHED AT LIKE CLOWNS. GROWN MEN FLOPPING ON THE FLOOR LIKE 2 YEAR OLDS. ALSO, IF THE GAME GOES A LITTLE LONGER THEN EXPECTED, WHICH THEY USUALLY DO, THEY STOP PLAYING SOCCER AND SWITCH TO A GAME OF FREETHROW CRAPSHOOT AND HOPEFULLY YOUR OPPONENT HAS A "SHAQUILLE O' BECKHAM TREZEGUET."

  THE TEAMWORK,  ENDURANCE, AND STRATEGY OF THE FIRST 90 MINUTES BECOMES MEANINGLESS. FOR DEFENSE, JUST BLINDFOLD ONE PLAYER, GIVE HIM A STICK, SPIN HIM AROUND AND HE SHOULD HAVE ABOUT THE SAME ODDS OF BLOCKING A FREETHROW AS A GOALIE DOES  OF BLOCKING A PENALTY KICK. 

 MANY AMERICANS WATCHED THE CUP, AS WE DID FOUR YEARS AGO, AND AGAIN WE WERE LEFT WITH A FEELING OF ANTI-CLIMACTIC EMPTINESS THAT SEEMS TO COME WITH A LARGE PORTION OF WORLD CUP MATCHES. IF FIFA JUST MADE A COUPLE OF ADJUSTMENTS THEY WOULD HAVE THE GREATEST SPORTS EVENT EVER.

1) GET RID OF PENALTY SHOOT-OUTS. IS SOCCER THAT BORING THAT IT NEEDS 2 BE SHORTENED? IF FANS WILL SIT THROUGH FIVE HOURS OF BASEBALL, THEY CAN HANDLE AS MUCH oVERTIME AS THE WORLD CUP CAN DISH. IF THIS IS TOO RADICAL, AT LEAST MAKE THE KICKER STAND BACK A COUPLE OF STEPS  FOR PENALTIES... THE WAY IT IS NOW, THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE  PLAYING DODGE BALL IN A BATH TUB.

2) INCREASE FINES FOR DIVING. STOP REWARDING THE WHINERS. EVEN IF THE REFS MISS A CALL DURING THE GAME, THE TAPES SHOULD BE REVIEWED AND IF THEY FIND PLAYERS DIVING, SLAP THEM WITH A $50K FINE FOR EACH INCIDENT AND I BET OVERNIGHT PLAYERS GAIN SOME BALANCE.

3) DEFINE THE RULES, USE NEUTRAL REFEREES. CAN THEY USE INSTANT REPLAYS OR CAN'T THEY? IF THE REFEREE HAD SCENE NOTHING RATHER THEN REACTING TO THE CROWD OR CHERRING FOR THE UNDERDOGS. THE OUTCOME WOULDVE BEEN MUCH DIFFERENT, HUMPTY WOULDVE GOTTEN A RED CARD AND ARRESTED ON SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES AND ZIDANE WOULDVE GOTTEN A SANITARY NAPKIN... TOO MANY TIMES THE REFEREE SIDED WITH THE CROWD AND THE PLAYER WITH THE FANCIEST FALL.

ULTIMATELY, THEY,  DECIDED THE OUTCOME OF THE CUP.  DOESNT LOOK GOOD WHEN THE WINNING TEAM IS ALREADY BEING INVESTIGATED.